As someone who wants to make her home a cohesive, chic, cozy, creative wonderland, I would still rather stare at my rental home’s So Sky Blue I Wonder If I’m Going Insane living room walls than take the time to choose a new color.
Sure, you want a nice warm beige, but is Balanced Beige going to be too brown with the sofa? Hmm, Diverse Beige is nice until I put it next to the floor. What do you think of Virtual Taupe? Too dark? Someone get me some wine.
As the colors start running together, the only thing that stands out is their names. Everything from Breathless (dirty) to Smoky Salmon (“when’s lunch?”) to Mint Condition (lol) to Accessible Beige (aka that guy you only text when you’re bored but will never go out with again).
And thus, I give you: Sherwin-Williams Paint Colors as Dudes You’ve Dated –
Natural Choice: handsome, polite, always pays the tab, cares about the environment, always remembers your birthday, perfect on paper, not quite sure how to pronounce the word “clitoris.”
Mega Greige: doesn’t understand your jokes, spent most of the date explaining Bitcoin (you didn’t ask), orders you whiskey even though you said you hate whiskey, “you’ve probably never had the good stuff”
Popular Gray: for some reason, everyone wants to date him; when you actually talk to people who’ve dated him, they all say he’s a terrible kisser.
Likeable Sand: your sorority sister set you up, has a receding hairline at 25, works in finance, is allergic to the flowers he brought you.
Mindful Gray: wears glasses but you suspect he doesn’t need them, majored in philosophy but is a bank teller, will only take you to see moves with subtitles, claims to have never seen Titanic.
Vaguely Mauve: the high school sweetheart who broke up with you in college to have new experiences, texts you every year on your anniversary to see how you’re doing, talks a lot about his feelings.
Hot: tech bro, the type of dude you said you wouldn’t bang in Tr*mp’s America even though he voted for Bernie, if you don’t block his number while you’re drinking, you will wake up in his bed.
Restrained Gold: your dad’s friend’s son, you still remember when peed his pants in kindergarten, will not kiss you because your dad threatened him.
Nomadic Desert: “ethical non-monogamist,” vegan, has an “I’m With Her” sticker on the back of his Prius but called you a slut when you didn’t respond to his booty call.